Sometimes you have to just sit with the discomfort.

This is a statement that I have heard from many a therapist, teacher, and family member.  Heck, I have even said this myself to families I’ve worked with, loved ones and my own kids.  However, It is a phrase that does not always “sit” well with me. 

I am the type of person that likes to fix things and get things done.  I am a problem solver. So when I do find myself in a bit of a funk or uncomfortable feelings come my way, I tend to want to overanalyze them.  I go through the list of questions:

• Why am I feeling this way?

• Did someone do something to make me feel this way?

• Should I be feeling like this? 

• Shouldn’t I know better?

• What can I do to fix this?

My current therapist has called me out on this (on more than one occasion).  Her questions are more like:

• Why are you rushing to get rid of this feeling?

• Can you just acknowledge what you're feeling?

• Do you see that you're judging yourself?

• Could it be that this is the way you’re feeling just for now?

And then the dreaded…… Maybe you could just sit with this feeling? 

When you are a parent and/or educator, part of working with children is teaching emotional regulation. We try to develop lessons and tools that help children identify their feelings and label them.  We also help children identify calming strategies to help manage the uncomfortable feelings and self regulate.  However, I think we should be mindful when we work on emotional regulation that we aren’t teaching kids that there are “bad” feelings and “good” feelings. We need to help children understand that all feelings are normal and valid even if they are unpleasant. Sometimes we have feelings that we cannot do anything with but just feel them.

I am just starting to really understand this myself.  I mean, no one wants to have uncomfortable feelings and there are a plethora of ways to push yucky feelings aside. Television, social media, work, exercise, hobbies, food, drink, etc. are all ways we can numb the uncomfortable feelings.  Not to say that sometimes those strategies have a place.  However, I am learning that if the same uncomfortable feelings keep coming back, then maybe they are trying to tell you something. Maybe if we just let ourselves feel the feeling, without judgement and with compassion, we can then become brave enough to look a little deeper.